:BRIGHTSTUFF:..Personal & Political Musings & Rants by a Liberal Leftist Black & Asian Teacher

I finally have my computer up and a brand spankin’ new version of Windows XP to go with it.
As if you knew the difference…
In any case- YAY!

Instead of rehashing old news topics that are already a bit outdated, I'll just jump in from here.

HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY:

So lately, I’ve noticed that my normally moderate levels of (for lack of a better term) baby fever has jumped into the outer reaches of the stratosphere.

This past summer, I’ve spent a good amount of time around some obscenely beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent children, spawned by some obscenely wonderful, intelligent and beautiful folks.

Just two days ago, I spent the day with my cousin, Sam,her sister in law (the wife of my cousin, Paul), Joanne and their kids (Sam's kids are Sky and Star and Joanne's daughter is Lyla). A month ago, we were at the beach with Dave's friends, Chris and Rose, and their little poppets, Hadyn and Hudson.

While I treasure these times and look forward to them, I tend to feel a bit down after these visits.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. Even before I was interested in boys (and before I knew that you needed men to make babies), I knew that first and foremost, a mommy is what I wanted to be.

I was even sure that I by the time I turned 22, I'd have at least one, and I was all ready with names picked out for them when I had them.

Since I was a child, I've always believed in the importance of family. My Korean mother impressed this on me at an early age- that family was essentially everything, and children were the root of this "everything".

A few years back, my mother went on a whole rant about how my ovaries were drying up. I was getting old and I better start thinking of having a baby.

You know how old I was?

25.

Old maid, huh?

So anyway, back then, I didn't have any viable male candidates that I would even deem worthy of such an honor of fathering any child of mine. Yeah- as if I would want some drunks, cheap bastards or cokeheads swimming around in my gene pool. Most of the men that I dated (not all, mind you) were simply not daddy material and the thought never really entered my mind.

Well, here I am at 33 and my ovaries are tick tick ticking away at me. Even watching videos during this summer vacation of women having difficult and gory births couldn't sway me from wanting to experience the same thing.

I've had a few false alarms, all of which led to a few days of abject disappointment. What can you do?

When I spent the day with Sam, Joanne, Lyla, Sky, and Star, I couldn't help feeling that I was on the outside looking in. I was not in the club and therefore not privy to the little nuances of conversation that only mommies seem to understand.

It really is depressing sometimes.